


Bucky’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Hair Day

by iarrannme



Series: Winter Fables [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: "gales of hysterical laughter" and "the crackiest crack to ever crack" - reader reviews, All Bucky's angst is about his hair, Angst, Assassination, Captain America's Shield, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Hair, Humor, M/M, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, alternate uses for Captain American's shield, murder strut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-07 10:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21456820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iarrannme/pseuds/iarrannme
Summary: The Winter Soldier is very confused about feelings and how to express them appropriately.Or, the classic tale, Boy1 (re-)meets Boy2, can't decide if he wants tohaveBoy2's haircut orgiveBoy2 a haircut...A crack version of the assassination of Jasper Sitwell and the fight with Steve, Natasha and Sam in CA:TWS from Bucky’s POV.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James "Bucky" Barnes & Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Winter Fables [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1546102
Comments: 15
Kudos: 53
Collections: Bucky, Bucky Barnes, Bucky and or winter soldier centric, Captain America and Bucky Barnes, I Was Not Expecting This, Stucky





	Bucky’s Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Hair Day

**Author's Note:**

> Beta by [SpideyFics](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpideyFics/pseuds/SpideyFics), whose work I highly recommend.

So he’s on the roof of a car going full speed on the highway: 65-mph wind in his hair, which is irritating enough. The targets are in the car but there are also two extras to deal with. First to go is definitely gonna be the asshole who for sure never has a bad hair day. That one’s not even worth his time.

Then he winds up ass-over-teakettle on the highway, and of course he looks fuckin’ awesome stopping himself, but now there’s road grit in his hair too, and the fine smoothness of his metal fingers is marred by scratches, which will catch on his damn hair when he tries to finger-comb it out of his eyes.

He shares his feelings with all of them, at length. At one point, after he’s jumped from an overpass and landed on the roof of another car (what is it with him and car roofs today?), he tries to make his walk a little like models do, models with their beautiful hair, but _his_ hair does not ripple back gorgeously in a dramatically perfect breeze, and no one is impressed.

They just keep shooting back, and none of them offer him a comb or a bottle of 2-in-1 shampoo-conditioner, which he would frankly kill for, or a pair of scissors, which he wants because he is very very good at knives but very very bad at haircuts and he’s hoping maybe since one knife doesn’t do the trick, two opposing ones are the answer. (More knives are always the answer.)

They’ve all got perfect haircuts and he’s going to make them all pay. The black man with a nice buzz that shows off the shape of his head and never gets in his eyes and he fucking FLIES just to fucking FLAUNT that he can handle wind because his FUCKING HAIR never gets in his FUCKING EYES. The white woman whose hair is even longer and straighter than his own and yet hers looks good, what the hell, how dare she. _She_ looks like she used 2-in-1 shampoo-conditioner like an hour ago, probably a hair-dryer too, would it kill her to share, she needs to die. He aims at her hair but for once he’s so mad he misses and gets her in the shoulder. That’s all right. She’s gone down, he can get another shot. Can you give someone a haircut with bullets? He’s gonna find out.

Then the absolute worst of the lot, the one with the haircut HE wants, short and perfect, _that_ dude is running right at him with – is that a giant fucking flat bowl? Like the dude’s just flat-out mocking him, “here, we’re gonna give you a bowl cut ‘cause even that would be better than what you got goin’ on,” oh that is IT. He shoots at the bowl, he rips it from the guy’s grip, he poses with it to make nice and sure he’s got the guy’s attention and then he flings it at him to say no, asshole, you are NOT giving me a bowl cut today.

In fact, _he’s_ gonna be the one giving the haircuts, he’s gonna fuck up that perfect style if it’s the last thing he does, and OH WELL he doesn’t have scissors so looks like it’s gonna hafta be knives.

Dude doesn’t seem to want a haircut. Dude is pretty vigorous about not wanting a haircut, which is just rude, really, because rejecting the haircut is insulting it and _he’s_ the only one who’s allowed to insult his damn awful haircut.

Dude even rips his mask off, which hello, who does that, can you not have some pity on him not wanting to be seen in public with this hair? There are security cameras everywhere these days and tracking down and deleting every image of himself, plus killing all the people who’ve now seen his FACE associated with THIS HAIR, is gonna be just so much effort, he can’t even.

Dude is all gaping and gasping and going “Bucky?” and he is just so, so done with today. “Who the hell is Bucky?” he snaps, thinking, _Can’t you see I’m suffering here, do you **see** my **hair**?_

The rest of them keep feeling their feelings at him, and he tries not to let them get to him, gotta maintain appropriate boundaries, but he’s struck with a moment of horrible realization: what if he’s made a mistake shooting at Perfect Haircut Dude, the one person around here who might be able to get him what he wants? He has the sudden urge to apologize and ask nicely for some Head and Shoulders (dude has shoulders to spare). And that leads to him imagining Perfect Haircut Dude washing his hair for him, which of course he would have to ask for because of the damn scratches in his metal fingers and the way suds between the plates mess up his arm. And maybe, maybe after that there would be… there would be scissors, and a clipper, and a razor. “The enemy of my hair is my friend,” right? _What if he’s been shooting at his friend??_

He shoots at his maybe-friend one more time, to show how he feels about the flat bowl, then the woman he tried to give a bullet haircut gets all one-uppy and tries to give him a _grenade_ haircut, and ok, _she’s_ probably not his friend. He and his hair are gonna go somewhere else if they’re all gonna be _that_ way about it.

He’ll figure it out, though. He’ll look that good (at least for work he has to stay hydrated). He’ll make Perfect Haircut Dude his friend and then they can fight the hair together. It’s not a fight that ever ends, cut one off and two more will grow, but his dedication will burn so brightly Perfect Hair Dude will understand. “You’re my mission,” he’ll say, and Perfect Hair Dude will whisper to him about barbers so popular there’s always a wait, and you can’t cut but it will be ok because Perfect Hair Dude will walk with him all the way to the end of the line.


End file.
